After a first article about the negative sides of Agile certifications from the Agile practitioners’ perspective, Mark Haynes explores, again with a facetious bias, certifications in an organizational context.
Author: Mark Haynes, https://dmarkhaynesconsulting.godaddysites.com/
Does it sometimes feel like those who are pushing Scrum certifications the hardest, benefit the most by supplying them? The principles of agility are well-established and fairly easy to learn. Let’s consider how this works. After agile was introduced and gained a bit of popularity folks began to wonder how can we cash in on this gravy train. They set up blogs, wrote books, and sold their high-priced services. That worked well with the first adopters. Then people wondered how could they market themselves as a Scrum expert. The certification industry was born to satisfy that need.
What is the first piece of career advice that you get? Go to the marketplace young man and get thee a certification. The Scarecrow received a Certificate of Thinkology from The Wizard of Oz. He was the intellectual after all. “I could wile away the hours Conferrin’ with the flowers Consultin’ with the rain. And my head I’d be scratchin’. While my thoughts were busy hatchin’. If I only had a brain.” Ho, Ho, Ho, now he has a certification. Does it stop there? Oh, no Grasshopper!
So how do you cash in on this certification gravy train? What you need to do is set up an Institution that provides certifications. That is where the money is. Are you done yet? Not so fast, my little one. Now you need to convince the government, big tech, little tech, and everyone in between that they should only hire certifiable candidates. If they aren’t certified then break their thumbs. Sorry, that is from the age of guilds. Ah, the good old days when the prince gives you a monopoly on the work you do so that he can get his cut of your profits. Wait for it. It will come.
Get Thee to a Certification Mill Ophelia
What about those certification mills, which will certify anything and lock you into their brand? Well, first you hold a week-long conference at an expensive resort. Big companies pay for their people to go. They like holding them in places like Las Vegas where you can get a few days off, spend thousands of dollars on a conference, live in very expensive hotels, and play slots. They do put on a good feed though. Ever wonder why there are so many, VPs and directors there? Now that they have you hooked they charge mega bucks for the additional seminars and tutorials. Each is just a portion of the total number of courses required for the certificate.
It never ends with the original certification. You need more certifications. More classes. Spend more money. You need to get those Continual Education Credits too. Of course, you could always embrace the mill by becoming a speaker or writing snippy articles on how to become agile. Oh my god am I just a pawn in the Corporate Certification Complex? You bet your sweet bippy I am!
I Can Quit At Any Time
Now that you are locked into the professional certification addiction cycle, what is next? How about limiting those folks who can ply their trade? Let’s set up a certification where only those properly vetted can work. Oh come now, there aren’t agile goons who want to stop you from working without a permit. Not yet there is! So tell me Master Yoda: “How’s it done”. Easy, you set a very high price tag for applying for and maintaining the certificate. More importantly, you require a rigorous work history. Then evaluate them with narrowly focused criteria, through “The keepers of the faith” to weed out the undeserving. Given whatever the criteria the review board is using and what is and isn’t relative experience it may require 5 years of work history to qualify. Did I mention a guild system? Don’t even talk to me about internship programs, where you essentially work as an apprentice for virtually nothing before you get your teaching certificate. Yes my little kumquat, it’s a stacked deck.
Human Resources or why did Dante ignore them with his Nine Circles
Human Resources are where resumes go to die. All boilerplate job posting lists a cavalcade of required certifications, but in the words of Admiral Akbar “It’s a trap!” Who’s pushing for all those certifications, anyway? Is HR dreaming the impossible dream of the perfect candidate? Will the number of certifications be the deciding factor between two equal candidates? If it does then you need one more than the next guy, then another, and another. Has it become the ultimate objective criterion? Well, that’s meaningless too, since it speaks nothing about abilities. Perhaps it is a way to maximize the use of that very expensive Recruiting Management Software they bought so they needn’t bother with making hiring decisions.
A Modest Proposal
So how can certification organizations improve their appeal? I suggest that the next time you set up a booth at a software conference, to hawk your wares, try adding a few incentives. Improve your swag, for instance. I already have enough water bottles and hand disinfectant. Bourbon would be nice. Throw, after-conference parties, with free food and cocktails. That is where all the cool people hang out!
The Sweet Spot
You might respond by saying “You are so cynical.” No, I am not. I am jealous. If only I thought of it years ago. I could have set up a conference, gotten volunteers to organize things, run events and provide seminars. Then invite speakers, pay them a nominal stipend, and provide them with a free conference and lunch. Remember they get CECs too. Of course, you will have to buy my book and pay me mega-bucks for my consulting services. Then you make the marks re-attend your conference every 3 years. Oh, the sweet life.
About the Author
I am a renaissance man trapped in a specialist’s body. I started as a biologist and that’s why I became an IT guy. I love science, but it doesn’t pay the bills. I have been an IT professional for many years. I used to be a software developer with an elegant language for a more civilized age. I became a Quality Assurance guy because it’s better to give than receive. I have been a process improvement specialist because it’s easier to negotiate with a terrorist than a Methodologist. But lately, I’ve been working as a Scrum Master and Agile Coach. I have drunk the Kool-Aid and it tastes good. Agile is a philosophy, not a methodology. In interviews, people often ask how long you’ve been Agile. My answer is always. I just didn’t know what it was called before.